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A few cute jokes


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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.



The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts

and low cut tops... although, they DO make me look a bit gay.



Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus,

a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."



Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.

Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.

It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, etc..."



My bitch of a girlfriend called the cops and told them she thinks that I might be a stalker.

Well... to be honest, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."

He answered, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated

and must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "Obviously, you haven't been listening."


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All good ones as usual, but love this one especially!


Quote... Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus,

a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."

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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged:


Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?


Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are


Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas


Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me


Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......


Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me


Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire


Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why


Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...


Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?


Intermittent Explosive Disorder -- Frankenstein to offer Have I


Antisocial Personality Disorder -- O come let us ignore Him.

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  • 3 months later...

A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand

slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her

breasts, and then carries on down her side and legs.


He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner



He moves back towards the top and stops.


His wife opens her eyes and gasps, "Why did you stop?"


He replies, "Found the remote ... Go back to sleep!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Worker's joke reminded me of one that isn't so "cute" and a bit off-color. Read on though if you want a chuckle (in my opinion).


An 80-something year old man is visiting his physician when at a point in the examination the physician explains that he must ask a certain question and please not to be embarressed. The patient says "O.K." The doctor than asks: "Do you have sex?" The patient replies" Do I have sex? I have sex EVERY DAY!" The doctor exclaims "You have sex EVERY day??" The patient replies: "Not only that, I have ORAL sex every day!" The doctor responds "You have oral sex every day??" The patient says: Yeah every night when I go to bed I look at my wife and say "F%CK YOU, and she says "F&CK YOU TOO!, then we roll over and go to sleep."


I know, I know, a groaner...

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Jokes like that are so funny because they're true.


They say that married people live longer but, in reality, it only seems like it.

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  • 1 month later...

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.


Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."


With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.


The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."


After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)


The son said, "Darn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.


When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."


The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."


The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."


The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."


The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

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