Jump to content

More of "The Rules"


Recommended Posts

(1) There is nothing that can be marketed that cannot be better marketed using the voice of James Earl Jones.


(2) While on a date, the words snatch, prick, and crack should only be used as verbs.


(3) No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you're looking at her breasts.


(4) There is no shame in the peanut butter sandwich.


(5) There are few arguments between friends that cannot be resolved with a quick Google search.


(6) The soft taco is the only taco that matters.


(7) A sandwich tastes exactly one third better when it's made by somone else.


(8) People who tell you they love the taste of eggplant are lying.


(9) The last slice of pie is the tastiest.


(10) Only the very rich can use summer and winter as verbs.


(11) The road to hell is not paved with good intentions. The road to hell is paved with smooth-jazz CD's, herbal teas, Josh Tesh specials, and low-fat cheese.


(12) Unemployed men who dress as if they're unemployed tend to stay unemployed.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

(1) Gratuitous nazi-bashing never goes out of style.


(2) Properly made, leftover chili gets better and better every day until the fourth day, at which point it begins its slow decline.


(3) People who use the word "classy" aren't.


(4) The people who elect to perform karaoke are never the people you wish would perform karaoke.


(5) The most underrated cake is carrot cake.


(6) Female pastry chefs are to men as male architects are to women.


(7) It's always time for pie!


(8) Waiters who sit at your table when they take your order usually get it wrong.


(9) The best religions have great hats.


(10) The little extra you pay for name-brand tin foil is well worth it.


(11) The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.


(12) Desperate housewives don't look like that.


(13) A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.


(14) People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.


(15) Flying superheroes get laid the most. Superheroes who swim, the least.


(16) After your fifth divorce, you gotta start wondering if maybe it's you.


(17) If you are over 6'3" or under 5'3", you will be asked "How tall are you?" approximately 4,271 times before you die.


(18) People who call ping-pong "table tennis" will always beat you.


(19) The best number is 7, followed closely by 9.


(20) Any restaurant that claims on its sign that it's famous probably isn't.


(21) The absolute maximum number of times that you can quote Monty Python on a first date and still have a reasonable expectation of getting laid is: Zero.


(22) On any road trip, he who is driving gets control of the radio. No exceptions.


(23) No ponytail, unless you are Willie Nelson.


(24) There is no shame in milk and cookies.


(25) A complicated coffee order impresses no one.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

@ReFur. Eggplant is indeed great, as is a peanut butter sandwich.


To borrow from Will Rogers ...


I never met an eggplant I didn't dislike.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

(1) The words "Bruckheimer' and "first date" do not belong in the same sentence.


(2) There is no shame in eggs for dinner.


(3) Never select a tattoo simply because it's on sale.


(4) Orange marmalade does not qualify as jam.


(5) You know you've made it when there's a bobblehead doll of you.


(6) High-fiving another man at a restaurant could very well be the reason you're single.


(7) The mile-high club is silly and sophomoric, but you can say so only if you are a member.


(8) When in doubt, pick "C".


(9) The History Channel is not a substitute for reading a book every now and then.


(10) There's no historical basis for Count Chocula.


(11) There's a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.


(12) If you wonder, even momentarily, about the toilet and shower facilities at Burning Man, you're too old to attend.


(13) Compulsively clicking "refresh" will not make people e-mail you.


(14) You will never meet a woman named Rapunzel.


(15) At the checkout counter on your third date, if she says "Oh wait, we're gonna need chocolate syrup," don't ask what for, just go get it.


(16) To foster its use in your home, call it erotica, not porn.


(17) Never utter the words I and love and you if you've had more than three drinks.


(18) Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.


(19) If you own a wild animal, there's a two-in-three chance that you live within walking distance of all your relatives.


(20) When a girlfriend and a mouse are in the same room, a man does not belong on the chair.


(21) Asking "Who had the steak and who had the fish?" is not the manly way to go about paying for dinner.


(22) There's no thrill lilke the thrill of getting cash in the mail.


(23) The best way to get out of bad date is to claim that you own a ferret.


(24) Every dish can be improved with the addition of bacon.


(25) A man can never own too many pairs of socks. <Or furs ... Me!>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(1) Three out of every four short-order cooks have served jail time.


(2) People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn.


(3) After dinner, when you reach into your wallet a little more slowly than everyone else, trust us, they notice.


(4) If your PIN number is your birthday, you're an idiot.


(5) The third doughnut is always exactly one and a half doughnuts too many.


(6) If the bartender has a mullet, ordering a martini is probably a bad idea.


(7) Disc 2 is the best disc in the box set.


(8) Flame decals do not fool passerbys into thinking your car is "hot".


(9) People who say they don't watch TV mean that they fall asleep with the TV on.


(10) The shortest line will always have the slowest people.


(11) No one ever buys the medium-sized condoms.


(12) When you die, they will find your porn.


(13) One out of every four spiritual healers used to be a dental assistant.


(14) The only entity powerful enough to make a man resist pork is God.


(15) Aspire to be the kind of person you've convinced your grandparents you already are.


(16) As miserable mental illnesses go, manic-depression just sounds better than bi-polar.


(17) All bottled water comes from a faucet in Richmond.


(18) You really need closer to two apples a day now to keep the doctor away.


(19) Old people always have exact change.


(20) For barbecue sauce to be your barbecue sauce, you are required to combine at least six ingredients. If the first one is Kraft Spicy Honey Barbecue Sauce, that number jumps to ten.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

The world's two greatest lies:


1) The check is in the mail.


2) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The world's two greatest lies:


1) The check is in the mail.


2) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had always heard it, "I don't respect you now ..why would I respect you in the morning!?"


Guess the results might be different if you used this version.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"I don't respect you now ..why would I respect you in the morning!?"


I like that one even better!!!!!!!!!!!


Sounds like something that about 22.5 of my old girl friends would have said.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

After a week of wearing faux fur jackets outside the home and snuggling under faux fur throws inside the home, I'll add one more (of my own!):

(1) There is no shame in owning a fine faux fur.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...