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Want to wear fur, but...

Guest furlessinCA

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Like may of you all I have indescribable love for fur. I love the feel, the look, everything. And yeah when I was a kid it aroused me, and after 21 years of marriage it fills a need. At any rate, for years I've said to my wife that I'd like to get a fur coat. I get one of two responses, either "You're a perve" or she calls me a "poofta", her slang for gay. I suppose that stereotype of men wearing fur lingers. I'm at an age (54) that I really don't give a shit what people think of me based on some article of clothing. But I just am getting run down by my wife's constant belittling. Have any of you had to deal with a wife or girlfriend that thought wearing fur was "wierd"?


All that said, my wife actually got me a gift (last Christmas) of a night at a bed and breakfast in Nevada City (NC) where there is a FUN fur store that we happened upon quite by accident. They have both MEN'S and women's fur coats! I was in heaven trying on various coats and jackets! We haven't yet used the B&B stay to visit NC. I'm tempted to just go by myself.


I also live in N. California where for most of the year there really isn't a need, however, whenever this time of year comes around and I am out walking my dog I'll say something to myself like "it's fur coat weather" even if it is barely below 40 degrees. Though we had low to mid 20s temps here the last few days.


Finally I also am a college professor, so around campus having fur might be a touchy (pun intended) subject. Though I am constantly reminding people that the fur industry in the US accounts for only about 1% of all animal use in the US.


I'd just LOVE to have a coyote coat or sheared beaver OR?? Perhaps just a blanket so I can wrap myself up.


Any input would be appreciated.

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Welcome to the forum first of all. As for your own dilemma, it isn't a easy one to answer. Personally, my ex-wife didn't get it and I will admit, there were times that it made for some awkward moments between us. Since my divorce though, the one thing I have learned is that being open about it and up front about it usually helps. I would like to think that after being married long enough, I would hope that a spouse would be at least somewhat open to talking about it and actually learning what it means to you. There are others here that have started topics similar to this one and like most things, each answer isn't a easy one to find. For now, I'll stick with hope that sooner than later having a understanding talk about it is what I'll go with. I do understand that I am a part of the more "open minded crowd" but having hope has never really been a bad thing in my opinion.

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first, welcome to the fur den. thank you for your post. hope you find the site to be what I have over the years. you will find what you contribute here is in direct correlation to what you get back ... plus, a bit more.


secondly, the issue I hear is not really an issue of fur.


because you have been married for 21 years you are allowing someone else to tell you what you should do, even when you really want something else? ...then if you don't comply you are called names to force to you to see the point?... you allow this? this is a dance that takes two people and leaves both empty and disappointed.


(I am going to switch form my love of dancing to the current NASCAR friends visting- if this makes any sense; and since my current assignment is business writing I will use sound bites and bullet points.)


  • relationships are two way streets; and each of us cross the center-line from time-to-time and get hit head-on. Then we complain we were hit.
    we each are driving our own car. we come in the world alone ..we go out alone. (at least some say it is this way. for sake of argument lets assume this to be be a priori data.)
    if you cannot respect yourself enough to meet your own "needs" you cannot look out for others.
    if you love your companion, which I believe you do, point out to her your relationship is not meeting your needs ..and I'll bet it is not meeting hers either.
    work together to start a richer and more meaningful life. THEN go out a get the most outrageous fur you could want and celebrate!!



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Thank you all for your input. It is greatly appreciated. I'm not sure my wife is open enough to engage in fur play (?). She definitely doesn't want to talk about it or shuts me down whenever I try.


Linda, your analogies were great! I'm a motorcycle race fan myself, but certainly appreciate NASCAR. Your comment about hitting head on I think is right on. However, I think my wife and I are beyond recovery. She has actually encouraged me to "get a girl friend" and last June admitted to going out with a guy to with the intention of starting an affair. The guy was not interested (I don't know how she got to the point of knowing this, and I'm not sure I want to know). My response to my wife was "it sucks to be you". I really didn't care. I know that's pretty pathetic.


But even when we "liked each other", she really wasn't open to the fur thing... Funny thing though. When she was younger she used to usher at the SF opera house. She said that when she worked the coat check she and her work mate would try on all the fur coats. I suppose it is the idea of a guy liking fur that she doesn't like??


I also like your comment about respecting myself enough to meet my own needs. Perhaps I need to think about this. My only fear is that I would get a "you only think about yourself" type of comment. Though I just did buy her a new car (yeah I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer). A coat for a car sounds like an even trade.


Sorry if I'm spilling my guts.


Again, thanks for the input.


PS I'd just LOVE to get a full length blue fox!! That would be about the most outrageous fur I can think of. I was thinking of starting gradually something a bit understated...is this an oxymoron??

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Many, many have been the time that guys here mentioned that they would love to get a full length blue fox. Indeed, I know of a couple of members (guys) here who do actually have them too. I've often wondered what it is that draws guys to them. Is it the softness? The colour? I would love to have one of those myself. Wow, would I love it. But the negative is that they probably "yellow" worse than any fur that there is. For some reason the yellow shows up terribly on them. White is bad as well, but it is not quite as objectionable for some reason.


Anyhow. Two suggestions. One is black mink. Not as much of a favorite of mine, but it is very dressy so your wife should be more easily convinced to go for that one than any other fur that there is. The other is crystal fox. It is a little more "showy" though, and more easily noticeable.


Just a couple of ideas.



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All white or light colored furs will "yellow" (oxidize). If one wants a fox garment, I would suggest looking at any of the non-white colors as if good quality pelts are used, and it is properly cared for, it will look good much longer than almost any of the white or very light colored fox furs.

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My guess would be to dip your toes into this slowly.


Based on that, if I were you, I would probably start cheap and subtle. There are a number of mens wear coats (and hoodies now) that are lined in fur. Rabbit is the most commonly used out of the ones that use real fur. Companies like Andrew marc makes some very nice leather coats with rabbit fur linings (which are often detachable). This might convince your wive that men wearing fur isn't what her mental stereotype assumes ("Assume makes and ass out of u and me" as some quiet rightly say!). Obviously you can plan after that based on the reception you get from that.


Secondly, maybe at the same time as getting your coat, get her some sort of fur gift and let her know great she looks in it. Again, start small so you don't waste away a huge investment (I think Mapleleaf2000 on eBay does some nice lynx scarfs for about $90). Hopefully this will shift the center of attention from being about your desire to want a fur coat, and something where she also feels important.


A blanket would also be a good idea as you could both use it.

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I want to thank you all for your input! It has helped me focus on my "needs", as ReFur puts it, as well as other things in life.


Thank you all as well for the recommendations on the TYPES of fur to get. The "blue fox" comment was somewhat tongue in cheek as ReFur suggested the most outrageous fur I could imagine (that or chinchilla...but that has its own set of issues).


I have always liked crystal fox, but I am consistently drawn to the earthy tones of coyote. It's a moot point for now, but down the road (sooner rather than later).


I do think foxkid has the correct strategy. Start small. I was thinking about it, and in a sense we (my wife and I) have already started small. She bought me UGGS for Christmas last year (hey it's better than a sharp stick in the eye, as my dad used to say, and I requested the tall UGGS). I like the idea of a lined jacket or coat. That way I get the feel, she doesn't have to feel awkward. Like foxkid said: "start with baby steps". Frankly, I'd like to get a fur muffler. That would probably do me fine (for a while).


Thanks again,




PS I don't visit often. I just don't seem to have the time. My other passion is motorcycles...the fun factor!

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If you look through The Gallery you will find many of our fur lined jackets pictured there.


I wear one or the other every day and they feel great while making me quite comfortable wearing fur in public.


The public comments are always positive, even on the construction job sites I frequent in my work. That's a tough audience if ever there was one.



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One thing to think about when asking your wife to try fur is to make sure you don't give the impression that you want the fur more than you want her.


Women are easily "creeped out", not because you're talking about an animal product but, because she gets the impression that you're interested in the fur and she's only a secondary player in your game. That makes them feel objectified. As soon as somebody gets that feeling they are going to try to shut you down right away.


As the others say, it is wise to work into it gradually. Buy something small at first such as a hat or a scarf. Let her wear that for a while just to see if she likes it. If she's not against wearing fur she probably will. All the time make sure she knows you are buying the fur for HER and not yourself. Once she gets the idea that she's little more than a glorified clothes hanger on which you hang your toys, she'll be outta' there!


Also think about expense. Women are often more budget conscious than men give credit for. You may have a great coat all picked out for her but she hesitates because she thinks it's too expensive but she doesn't want to tell you that. If that happens, you are likely to hear all sorts of little excuses. "I don't have any place to wear it." or "I don't want to get it dirty." may be common excuses.

Don't bust your budget just to get a fur coat. That's a turn-off for women. If you can't afford it right away, make sure she knows you are saving up for it. Start a "fur fund." Make it clear that any fur you buy will be paid from that fund. That way she doesn't think you're playing fast and loose with finances just to get a coat. Further, if she knows you are willing to delay gratification by saving up money for the coat over a longer term, it will be less likely that she'll get the idea you are buying a fur more for yourself than for her.


If you can, try to go to a place where she can try on some furs. Women like to try on clothes. The shopping experience is often just as important as the clothes she buys. Women like to be fussed over, whether they admit it or not.

When she tries on two or three coats and the furrier helps her put it on then helps her button (hook) it up and fluffs it all up for her, real nice, it makes her feel special because she's getting attention. You should also concentrate on fussing over her because it helps her feel less like the transaction is just about the fur and more like it's all about her.


Finally, lots of women just don't like to be cold yet they don't realize how warm it is to wear a nice fur coat outside in the winter.

My wife gets cold really easily. If the temperature falls below 70º F. she starts getting "chilly." When it gets into the 60º range, she's already shivering. The first time she wore her coat outside it was about 10º F with a -10º chill factor. She walked outside and stood there for a minute. The snow was gently falling. She looked around and said, "I hardly even know it's winter!" with a big smile on her face.

She even started wearing it to the grocery store! She LOVES wearing her fur out in the winter!


At first, she didn't seem to want it but, now that she has it, you'd probably have a hard time prying it out of her hands!

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I think Off raises a good point here. furlessinca notes that his other passion is motorcycles. Why not start with a mink lined leather jacket and use that as your entry point into furs. Not to long ago I had lunch at this little diner in Florida where they make some of the best cheesesteaks south of Philadelphia. There was a group of motorcyclists there - riding high end bikes Harleys, Indians that sort of thing. One Harley had its seat covered in silver fox. Perhaps that could be another thing for you to consider. I complimented the guy on his bike, but privately wondered how much abuse that pelt must take not only from him sitting on it, but from being exposed to the sun and other weather conditions, as well as all the dirt from the road.



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Hi furless prof in CA


I have not been here recently but your kind of story is touching and inspired me to respond. You, and I, and others are not alone in our love of fur and the problems that sometimes creates. It was an epiphany for me to find this site and talk to others like me. I do hope you and your wife can come to some sort of repair or compromise. It seems so tragic. I too am in my 50s and past the "give a shit" factor about my loves, needs and approval of others.


I think you have heard some good advice so far, not much I can add. My gosh, who does it hurt in your relationship if you get a fur? As long as your attentions are in balance it can be great!


I used to live in NC, glad you enjoyed it. I have also walked dreamily through that store and made a purchase or two there!


Hang in there, start small and good luck! Welcome to the den, relax and enjoy, you are among friends.

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Say Pilot. Great to see you back again! We've missed you guy!


CA, I think that you have been presented with something to think about here. Would a fur lined jacket suffice to give you some satisfaction with wearing fur? Or would you want something with the fur on the outside. That is a decision that you yourself have to make. I think that this thread has somewhat came down to that decision for you now. I think that sums things up pretty well here. Lined or fur out. Jacket or full length. Those are the decisions for you to make now.


There have also been some other ideas with motorcycles you might think about. Somewhere for instance, there is a photo of a hooded coyote jacket with white fox trimmed hood and white fox down the front. And this was a big guy too. But on the other hand OFF for instance and others have given you ideas on fur lining.


Hope that helps you out a bit on your deciison.




Edit... Just found the coyote jacket photo. http://thefurden.com/cpgfd/albums/userpics/13604/normal_18293415.jpg

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I am overwhelmed with the support and advice. There was very good advice from worker. In a sense I've already kind of fallen in that trap. When we lived in NY my wife bought an old coat with a mink collar and cuffs at a church sale. When it was so cold here last week (20s) I suggested she wear her "mink" as I have on a number of occasions. She doesn't. I suspect she doesn't wear it because of my desire (?). Hard to say. She used to love to wear it. She always commented on how good the collar felt next to her neck.


At any rate, I try NOT to say anything about her wearing her coat in the hopes that she will just put it on and enjoy it for HERSELF.


I am looking forward to visiting Nevada City in the next couple of weeks during the holiday season. I was excited to hear that someone else had visited the fur store(s) there, and actually lived there!


I must admit there is a mid-thigh length coyote on eBay right now for about $400 that I am fantasising about. It is a woman's coat, but the measurments are right for me (there IS an advantage to being "only 5'7" and 130 lbs), and the lapels could easily be reversed for a mens' coat.


The kind of motorcycles I'm into do not allow for fur wear. I ride in the dirt.


Thanks to all again!

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You could try making a rule: There are "good" furs for wearing and "play" furs when it's time to be sexy.


Make it clear that you appreciate fur on two levels. Fur is for fashion and warmth but fur is also for fun. Ensure that she knows there are times for fashion and times for fun. Try to keep a strict separation between the two. (At least for a while.)


Tell her that she looks good when she wears her fur "out." Of course she does! Why else should we wear fur out?


There used to be a time when it was every husband's "duty" to make sure his wife had a diamond ring and a fur coat. That's just the way things were when I was a kid. In my house that's still the rule. My wife has a diamond wedding ring and a full length fur coat. Tell her it makes you feel PROUD to see her wear fur. Tell her you like to SHOW OFF by letting people see your BEAUTIFUL WIFE in her fur coat!


So, start out gradually. Get her to wear fur for fashion, pride and warmth. It's winter! Fur is WARM!


When she wears fur, let her be the one to decide when it's time to "play."


My wife and I often sit on the sofa watching TV together. In the winter, when it's cold, I'll often get the fur coat out so we can snuggle underneath. It's really nice and snuggly. The occasional touch and kiss is okay but if she wants to go any further than that she decides.


We have some fur things in the bedroom that we use to play with. She knows I like fur but she'll quietly admit that she likes it too if you ask her. You should make sure your wife gets her turn to play with the fur too... Or, better still, to have YOU use fur on HER.


Girls should get to have fun too! Shouldn't they?


Finally, you should occasionally be with your wife WITHOUT fur if you can.

It is rare but there are people who can't get excited unless there is fur in the bedroom. As far as I am concerned, it's just not as much fun without fur but I still perform without it just as well.

If you can be with your wife WITHOUT fur, it will help prove to her that you aren't just in it for the fur.


Again, the bottom line is to make sure she knows that you want HER FIRST and the fur is just an "add-on" to make it more fun.


Who knows? Maybe she'll find out that she digs fur too!

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I know this discussion has gone on for a while, but I suppose it can't hurt to reiterate some of the great points that have been made hitherto. First off, there are plenty of men's furs available and are by no means an obscure fashion item (as you no doubt have discovered by now). Second, there are many gentlemen who share your love of fur that I'm sure you could meet up with in your own community along with digital ones (like this one!). And, third, always focus on the fun--fur and motorcycles all the way!

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I felt I needed to post one more time on this thread.


I need to apologize. Sometimes we read and see things and respond with feelings that reflect our own situations and project them to others. I think I have here. It is easy to be critical and overlook all the good. It is easy to judge. In fact, my post upset me so much I left for time to reflect.


Good relationships are a work in process. Some days are good ... some days are bad. Changing partners will not change this. Even knowing this I had to leave my marriage two years ago. There are things I am so glad I no longer have to deal with. But, there are things about it that I miss terribly. Am I happier? ..yes. But, I have a long way to go in being the person I want to be. Only then will I be able to be in the kind of relationship that I long for.


As for your fur part of this thread: this is a wonderful place to learn about furs and styles, as several have mentioned. Like planning a trip can be a wonderful part of a vacation. Learning about all the different types, styles and uses is fun too.


I hope you and your wife have a wonderful holiday season.


God bless.



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While I'm thinking of it... I have a question for Cowitfurs.


Many people who come to a fur salon appreciate fur for fashion, style, warmth and luxury but how often do you see people who are turned on by fur?


I know that, in polite company, one should not talk about such things. Even in a fur store we expect people to maintain a "professional attitude." It's not right to talk about one's sexual interests in front of strangers. The exception would be a well known customer who has volunteered this information. It would also be expected that the customer's "preference", if you will, would only be spoken in confidence, of course.


Here we are, a bunch of people who have a certain "preference" for fur. We are talking about how to best express that preference to others whom we trust. (or hope to trust.)


I just can't imagine that ANYBODY who has any experience with fur would not think about "furplay" even if it is only a passing thought. Further, I really think there are lots of people who would "play" with fur if given the chance. We, the members of the Fur Den, are among the few who admit that fur is a turn-on and that we enjoy playing with our fur but WE are the ones who are often marginalized for our perceived "deviance." Personally, I just don't believe that sex play with fur is the least bit deviant.


So, my question is: How commonly do professionals see customers who have sexual preference for fur? How is the subject dealt with?


Is is strictly a "Wink-wink! Nudge-nudge!" kind of a proposition? Or, could I walk into a fur salon and politely say, "I'd like to buy a nice fur coat so my wife and I can play with it in the bedroom." ?

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I was young I had the sensual pleasure of being wrapped in a fur. Though VERY enjoyable I felt awkward because I felt sorry for the animals . The fact that something as soft and feminine as fur tickled my fancy was embarrassing.

Edited by Guest
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Just had a conversation with somebody who was talking about wearing a pair of alpaca socks to keep their feet warm. They were talking like they felt slightly guilty for taking the alpaca's wool.


I said, "On the contrary! The alpaca must be very proud!" This caused several quizzical looks until I explained that the alpaca must know that it is his job to make wool to keep people warm. As such, the alpaca must be proud to know that the wool he made is keeping peoples' feet warm all around the world!


So... by extension... why would a fur bearing animal not be proud that his fur will be made into a nice, soft coat that people will love to wear and keep themselves warm and comfortable with?


There's no reason to feel guilty about fur as long as we take care of the animals we breed to make fur with.

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