everyone must read this especially 41 year old fiancees

[furcoatman]

my girlfriend found this and told me about it. she reads dear abby every day and knew i would want to post this. perhaps this person is on the boards and can be helped out by this post.

 

it concerns a 41 yo man with fur issues. he tells his fiancee they are a security blanket, but she suspects more. well, duh!

 

hopefully this helps someone

 

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20080328

[lynxette]

Well, Abby has the male bashing thing down...now how about the issues the woman has with being envious of an inanimate object? Seriously, there are two sides to every coin and this is anything but impartial. On the other hand, I do think that he should be upfront about what is obviously an important issue in his life, especially since he is considering a life commitment here. I think this is quite likely what she is really most upset about, since hiding something major and personal opens up the possibilities of other dishonesties as well.

[icepilot]

Too bad she finds this "disturbing".....

[Worker 11811]

On the other hand, I do think that he should be upfront about what is obviously an important issue in his life, especially since he is considering a life commitment here.

 

I agree with that but you've also got to ask yourself how many times you hear people say that they hide their attraction to fur because they are afraid of what others will think?

 

90% of Den members would probably read that letter then nod their heads and say, "Yup!"

 

That guy hides his furs and makes excuses about them PRECICELY because of the way this woman treats him!

 

My advice? That boy had better get out of Dodge while he still can!

[nycfur]

"How can I get the fur out of both of our lives without destroying our relationship and jeopardizing our upcoming marriage? -- FUR-IOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA"

 

uuummmmm.... you can't!!! so either tell him to stop being a cheapskate, buy you a coat & enjoy the ride or move on.

[lynxette]

Having never been in the situation Worker, my opinion is based upon thought rather than experience...and believe me I do try to empathise with what the guys here at the den are saying with regard to their fears. On the other hand though, if one does not allow the woman (or other significant other as the case may be) in their life into their fur world, how are they ever to know about acceptance? Truly this is a sort of chicken and egg conundrum isn't it? Of course I also recognise that my perception of this is coloured by my acceptance and love of furs to begin with, so this woman's reaction is foreign to me.

[Worker 11811]

Truly this is a sort of chicken and egg conundrum isn't it?

 

So true!

 

Guys who like fur should learn to change their own attitudes a little bit. They need to realize that fur isn't just for women and gays. They have the right to like fur if they want to.

 

Of course, they shouldn't be an A-hole about it but they should learn to say, "If you don't like it, TOUGH!"

[Guest]

There have been other 'couples' here asking the same question(s) in our context with very different kinds of advice

 

You just know that outside a forum or one in a million chance of finding a Counselor who would be sympathetic to this kind of situation.

 

Maybe we need our own Dear Abby

 

 

OFF

[Worker 11811]

Maybe we need our own Dear Abby

 

How about a mass reply to Dear Abby from several people all in favor of the guy's point of view?

 

[dumbass45601]

The best part is this line here

 

"If Sean has a fur fetish -- and by that I mean he needs it for arousal -- you will have to decide if this "kink" is something you can live with."

 

I mean hell a woman in a fur coat is hot, we all think that. But if she's wearing a black bustier with stockings, I'm still going to get aroused. Hell if a woman puts their breasts in a mans face if they don't get aroused they are not heterosexual.

 

That's what I hate about dating some women who are not secure with themselves to dress up in some lingerie. They think; "Now if I don't wear this he will think not think I'm attractive."

[frugalfurguy]

I can imagine myself having gotten into a situation like this. For most of my life, I was trying to "get the fur out of" my life. I believed that was the only path to my being worthy of a relationship. Maybe years ago I would have considered myself lucky to have found a woman like the one who wrote this letter. I'd have hoped that this woman's hatred for what I wanted to strangle of myself would be a powerful enough reason for me to finally be rid of it. Then, somehow I believed a "normal" sexual desire would just naturally spring up to replace my love of furs. I was probably wrong. Fulfilling this dream, I'd probably have landed in the midst of a capital nightmare.

 

My guess is that the guy in this situation's sort of in that same repressed state of being. He must feel some shame about whatever fur's about for him, else he wouldn't have tried to hide it from his betrothed. I'd agree with Worker it's time to cut and run, but not necessarily because of the woman's attitude. Repressing a fur fetish simply isn't a healthy way to go about it. I'm grateful I've been able to work at my own and let bits and shreds of it go from time to time. I wonder if Dear Abby needs to know about the project many of us (but I'm not saying everybody here) have taken up of accepting the way we are instead of living in the crippling shame that seems to have poisoned this relationship.

 

Thanks for sharing the link, Furcoatman!

 

I'm once again reminded that before I commit to any relationship that includes sexual relations, my partner needs to know about my fur fetish. I'm not planning to go back to shame and repression.

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

I wonder if Dear Abby needs to know...

 

I am seriously considering it!

[White Fox]

I thought of replying and sending the link to the thread to her as well. Just never got the time to do it.

 

W

[FurLoverinFL]

I guess I'm the only person here who thinks that Abby's reply was right on the mark. The problem here really isn't with the guy's fur fetish. The problem is that the guy refuses to talk to his future wife about his desires. IMO this marriage would be doomed to failure right from the start from the couple's obvious lack of communication, not from his 'fur insecurity'.

 

FLinFL

[MrC1946]

I guess I'm the only person here who thinks that Abby's reply was right on the mark. The problem here really isn't with the guy's fur fetish. The problem is that the guy refuses to talk to his future wife about his desires. IMO this marriage would be doomed to failure right from the start from the couple's obvious lack of communication, not from his 'fur insecurity'.

 

FLinFL

 

No you're not alone. I fully agree. A marrage is a team that halves the odds. Instead of me against the world, it's now us against the world -- if you're up front with each other. Mrs. C and I have been married 30 years. It works for us.

[ReFur]

The thing I am constantly confused with on the site is our definition of fetish.

 

#1 if someone I love is turned on by something - WONDERFUL!!

 

#2 if that someone wants the object and not me - TERRIBLE!!

 

I once read a question a man asked about masturbation. The answer was it was fine unless he found it took away from the relationship he has with his partner.

[RonGav]

What troubled me about this guy's letter was his carrying around little pieces of fur all day, and what that seemed to indicate. His fetishism had become become extreme to where, as Linda points out, it possibly was the target of his desires -- not the woman.

 

FLFL states the value of communication. So true. Since the demise of my first marriage -- where among other things I seemed too embarrassed to communicate honestly with my wife -- I have discovered the power of early truthful disclosure.

 

Following my marriage I vowed to relate my fondness of furs early-on in any new relationship, no matter how casual. To my delight every woman I told was at worst intrigued, but usually excited about the prospect. What a relief to know how becoming forthright, at the risk of being vulnerable, can reap such rewards. And yes, Linda, the woman's needs always took precedence.

[JerseyFurLover]

It's interesting that the first reaction is that it's a "kink". Just because "Sean" gets aroused by the fur doesn't mean that's the only thing that does so. Abby should encourage the fiancee to see if when talking she sees "sean's" pov and whether they can mutually come to an agreement.

[frugalfurguy]

... Since the demise of my first marriage -- where among other things I seemed too embarrassed to communicate honestly with my wife -- I have discovered the power of early truthful disclosure.

 

Following my marriage I vowed to relate my fondness of furs early-on in any new relationship, no matter how casual.

 

 

RonGav, I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying I need to make other considerations. In the past I used early disclosure as a way of sabotaging my prospects, and most of the time it was effective that way. That was when I believed that the role fur plays in my arousal made me an inferior prospective partner. I can be thankful that most of the women I disclosed this to in this way figured out--either from the way I talked to them about this issue or from other things about how I responded--that I wasn't a healthy partner.

 

But in one instance, I disclosed it with perhaps the same sub-conscious strategy of sabotaging the relationship. I wasn't ready to be sexual with this person. But she took it as an indication that I was. So I introduced a dysfunctional sexual conflict to the relationship. I'm going to want functioning intimacy with someone. I'm going to want to be considering being in a sexual relationship with someone before I share about what fur is in my life. But it's certainly a red flag of dysfunction if I'm thinking of becoming involved in a sexual relationship without first of all talking with the prospective partner about this issue.

 

I'm not in a hurry to get a sexual relationship.

 

frugalfurguy