Jump to content

Joke ...


JGalanos
 Share

Recommended Posts

Why should all hurricanes be named after women? When they arrive, they're wet and wild, and when they leave, they take your house and car.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why do saints need to perform three miracles? It's not as though normal people can do even one? By the way, why isn't Jesus canonized? He should be the Arch-Saint. It doesn't matter if he's the son of God already. We still give Medal of Honor recipients their purple hearts. And why is it called a purple heart? Shouldn't it be called a black-and-blue heart, or a bleeding, but not fatal heart? And why is fatal referred strictly to something that kills? Aren't we fated to live through dangerous things as well?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are many, many, many very perplexing questions in life that must be answered before one is truly a master of life!

 

Like why is it that you can eat a steak or turkey dinner with all of the trimmings. Eat a hug breakfast and lunch that same day. Absolutely pig out as they say. OR... you can eat a hamburger and a bowl of cereal and nothing else whatever during the whole day.

 

And the next day when you crap, you will crap the same amount in both circumstances!

 

These are the profound questions of life that one must indeed answer before we begin to know what life truly means!

 

W

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And the next day when you crap, you will crap the same amount in both circumstances!

 

Is this what is referred to as "bathroom humor"?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Robert Adler, the inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. In accordance with his wishes, Adler will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bathroom Humor... Probably!

 

You know I have always thought (unlike many others) that the Good Lord did not design every part of the body correctly.

 

For instance. Just think. If he had designed the body correctly, the function of the father on the day of birth of his new son or daughter would have been to stand behind his wife with a catcher's mit!

 

Right? He made the hole too damned small!!!

 

As to TV. I could at the moment say something similar with my computer!

 

W

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors. "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall." "You better keep away from them" she said. "I am. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good one JG!!!

 

Reminds me of another one. Father got angry at his son for buying a new set of drums. "Take those things back to the %$# Damned store, and buy something else. They make too damned much noise!" his father said to him. So, sadly his son took them back the next day.

 

And, he bought a set of Bagpipes instead!

 

W

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car you are still paying for, in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Three old gals are sitting on a park bench, and a flasher comes up and flashes them. Two of the gals have a stroke. But the third couldn't reach that far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Scotsman in traditional garb walks into a bar. A few hours later, he stumbles into the street and passes out. While he's unconscious, two tourist girls walk up to him. They want to check and see if the rumor about Scotsmen and their kilts is true, so they lift up his skirt and see that he's naked underneath. One of the girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his johnson before they run away laughing. When the Scotsman awakens, he looks down and sees the blue ribbon. "I don't know where you've been or what you've done," he says to his johnson, "but I'm sure glad you won first prize."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A remote army camp in the mountains is assigned a new commander. During his first inspection, he notices that there is a donkey tied to a tree on the edge of camp. The commander asks what it's for. One of the soldiers who has been stationed there for a while explains that the men sometimes get lonely, since there are no women in camp, so they have the donkey. After a few weeks, the commander is feeling pretty lonely himself, so he orders the men to bring the donkey to his tent, and he goes to work on it. After about an hour, the commander comes out, zipping up his pants, and says, "So, is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responds, "No, we usually just use the donkey to ride into town."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

 

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

 

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

 

(At this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

 

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

 

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

 

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

 

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

 

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

 

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

 

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

 

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

 

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...