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allfurme
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Here is joke i had anonymously Emailed to me, it probably won't get through the Administrators, but here goes;

 

Imagine a 1950's public school.

A teacher called Mr Jones is sat in the staff room on a free period.

He gets a telephone asking him to go to the head teacher's office. He makes his way there, knocks on the door and enters, "you wish to see me headmaster?" "Yes Mr Jones, i need to see a female pupil in Miss Hill's class and i would like you to fetch her." "Certainly sir, what is her name?" "One moment i have it here, ah yes her name is Hunt, first name is Kerry." "Fine headmaster i will fetch her for you." Mr Jones makes his way to Miss Hill's classroom, opens the door and asks, "Excuse me Miss Hill have you got a hairy c*nt; I'm terribly sorry i mean a Kerry Hunt

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allfurme,

 

It is obviously not a joke I would tell. But, then I am not a guy.

 

As long as certain words have the ** sign in them and they are not hurtful they are fine.

 

I love to see jokes posted.

 

Certainly is a lot better than seeing this words used in anger!

 

Linda

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Linda and any one else who may have been offended,

 

I apologise profusely. After i posted it i realised i should have put a warning on it.

 

Sorry again

 

PS, i will post a clean one next time

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allfurme,

 

I am not offended at all.

 

I worked for years with an all male staff. It wasn't long before I adjusted.

 

I am much more offended by posts with exceptionally bad taste. What I have no tolerance for is violence and XXX.

 

I did almost sent to a PM a few minutes ago telling you I was going to have you wash your mouth with soap from your post on the movie thread though!!

 

I swear myself sometimes. I find that sometimes nothing quite communicates like a certain swear word.

 

I will never forget when I first moved to Dubai and my 11 year old son came running in to tell me he had learned to swear in all these different languages! He was so proud. I think it is a guy thing!

 

Linda

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Right, i promise no more swearing.

 

I don't particularly like swearing, but it seems to be so acceptable nowadays; my post on 'Gone With The Wind' was only a reflection of how people seem to talk today.

 

That's why I like old (30's) films because there is no sex, violence or swearing in them (or at least very little). Oh and because, in the ones i like, the ladies wear beautiful fursssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I have a joke.

 

Two best friends are together at a party. After a while they get drunk and one of them goes out for a pee. When he comes back in he's forgotten to close his zipper, and as he sits down, his penis falls out of his pants. His friend, who is now on his 12th beer, cries out "OH FK! A SNAKE!" and whacks his friends penis with an emtpy beer bottle. The friend then jumps up with a shock and cries "OUCH! DAMN! HIT IT AGAIN!! IT BIT ME IN MY PENIS!"

 

 

Another.

 

A guy was scooberdiving near a reef off the coast of Spain. When he reaches a 5 meters depth, he sees another man swimming around down there with no oxygen. "Crazy free-divers" the scooberdiver thinks to himself and dives deeper down into the ocean. At 10 meters he sees the same guy without oxygen swimming around. Being a bit annoyed the scooberdiver continues his dive, ignoring the other man on purpose. At 20 meters the other guy is still there, now swimming very near in circles. The scooberdiver picks up his digital write pad, types in "Why are you following me??" and shows it to the man. The man takes the pad and franticly writes "GIVE ME AIR, I'M DROWNING YOU BASTARD!"

 

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My daughter just sent me this joke.

 

I hope it does not offend anyone. I thought it was funny.

 

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

 

Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

 

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Linda:

You have FINALLY solved an old problem for me!

Some people told me that if I kept hanging around with a couple of my old girlfriends that I had better start drinking!

Now I know why they told me that!

J

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Damn... I knew there was a reason I drank in my youth.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

methinks that came out wrong.

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Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were.

 

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

 

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it."And, with that, he slams another shot.

 

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

 

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f*** the cat."

Edited by Guest
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Warm eyes, wet lips

Gently touch my finger tips

 

Soft sighs, silky hair

Longing for me to touch her there

 

Her begging eyes

Her whimpering cries

 

Urgent needs of one so sweet

Bring me quickly to my feet

 

The night is warm, there is no doubt

It's my turn to take the dog out

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Nice.

 

Here's some food for thought for everyone:

 

If "pro" is the opposite of "con", does that mean that the opposite of "progress" is..."congress"?

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They are all excellent and new to me but I think I like workers mouse joke the best!!!!

 

Okay here is my favourite joke(s)

 

An Italian guy is sitting in his house admiring his three beautiful daughters.

They are 25, 21, and 16.

He is very proud of how they look, as they are all immaculate and stylish

as they lounge in their furs. He is also proud that they all have done well in their studies and careers.

But he realises that he doesnt really know them as people. He frowns, and thinks up a question to ask them to see what sort of people they really are.

 

"My daughters" he exclaims, "youe are all so beautiful and doing well, but I would like to ask you a question to see if I have brought you up with good character qualities. Do you mind if I ask you which woman you most admire in the world, and why?"

 

The oldest daughter goes first. "Not at all father" she says, crossing her sheer stockings, her sleek mink slipping back as she puts down her financial pages and stroking her black neat bobbed hair. "that would have to be Princess Diana of england......because she was so elegant, and stylish, an ambassador and yet was a good person and did lots for charity".

 

"Thats a very a good answer my daughter...I am very proud of your selection."

 

The 21 year old daughter frowns, believing her sisters choice to be shallow. "Well father...I think you are wrong....if its a woman who has done a great deal of good in the world, my choice would be Mother Theresa." She takes off her shearling fox trimmed ethnic coat and discards it on top of the thesis she is working on on her sociology degree as a gesture of anti materialism against her elder sister, a succesful stockbroker, and folds her arms, tossing back her long unkempt but wavy hair with a raised eyebrow.

 

"Its also a good answer my daughter: I am proud of the women you set as a standard for yourselves and there is no need to argue...you are both different but both very fine people". He turns to his youngest daughter, who is busy polishing her nails.

"Well father there is only one woman I really look up to. That would be Sarah Pipillini." She tosses her hair over her faux fur pink jacket and sticks her tongue out at both her sisters as her father rubs his forehead in thought.

 

Eventually he looks up perplexed..."I am sorry my daughter...I dont know who it is this Sarah Pipillini......"

 

"Oh father" she says, "surely you know of her....everyone at school was talking about her today....she was in all the papers."

 

The father thinks and shakes his head "I read all the papers today, and I read nothing....what are you talking about?" She looks at her sisters who look equally confused, and stands up, makes a hmpphhh sigh and goes to fetch a newspaper. the father looks at his elder daughters who shrug in ignorance too.

 

Finally the youngest daughter comes back in the room, scratching her exposed belly ring and lighting up a cigarette, and throws the newspaper

at her father who looks at the headline:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 500 IRISH LABOURERS IN 5 DAYS"

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I've had a mear twenty views of this joke!

 

Okay, i'll post it hear and somebody else might read it!

 

A televsion presenter who was obviously the worst for drink introduced the fashion editor. She came on screen and you could here him chatting to himself off screen. She spoke enthusiastically, "Hello darlings, have you heard the latest on the fashion scene. London, Paris, New York, Milan, they are all raving about it; the gypsy look is back in! Men, wouldn't you like to see your wife in something long and flowing? To which the drunken presenter responded, "Yeh, a river!"

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Now this same team of Irish labourers is working on another Sahara pipeline a few months later when all work is halted by a discovery made by Paddy o'donnell.

 

It is a skeleton of ancient origin in the sand. Paddy and his friend mick stop all work and get the foreman Brendan.

Brendan frowns, knowing this is going to hold up work as it may be an important discovery.

"well I dont know about this so I'm going t' call that fellah we met the other day from the university of cairo. T' be sure he will know what it is now and whether its important."

 

The next day the Archaeology professor from the University and three students come out and start to excavate the find, but there is nothing...no clues, just a skeleton.

"I am perplexed" says the egyptian professor "its very very old but thats all I can say...we have found no other artefacts to date it".

 

At which point up steps Paddy.

"Whats wrong with you fellahs...youre s'posed to be experts an all....this guy was a Philistine, he lived five t'ousand years ago and he committed suicide."

 

The Professor looks at him with barely disguised contempt and so do the students.

"No disrespect but you are just a labourer and its not important your opinion. I must call in my eminent friend the Professor of Archaeology at

the University of Washington DC".

 

After a week of the Irish labourers gambling on Arabian horse and camel races with the local bedouin, and no work on the Pipeline having been accompished, the American professor and a team of twenty "students" in a convoy of 4 wheel drives arrive.

 

they proceed to dig trenches all around for a radius if two miles and search for clues as to the origin of the skeleton. They also proceed to carbon date the find.

 

But after two weeks, they concede defeat and shake their heads. They are none the wiser.

Paddy comes up again, this time with mick in tow.

"I t'ink now its about time you listened to paddy now"

 

Paddy comes forwrd and repeats his assertion that the skeleton is five thousand years old, is phillistine, and committed suicide.

 

The Americans, not good at hiding contempt, react badly after all their efforts.

"Now listen here boy, and listen good. Your full of crap. Youre just a labourer...what the hell do you know?" says the Professor, at which point a bespectacled geeky student sparks up "well it sure is about 5000 years old but thats all ya can say buddy". Four other rather suspicious looking Americans in Foster grant sunglasses busy themselves photographing the oil pipeline and searching trough the bedoiun tents while they are messing with the horses.

 

Paddy walks away shaking his head and goes back to take a tea with the bedouin, and look at the camels in the next race, happy that it will be a while before they resume work in the scorching desert sun.

 

The Egyptian Professor says, "well thankyou my friend but my only other option is to call in the University of Moscow. Within three days the place is swarming with ex Russain military choppers and a team of 400 students and soldiers who have sophisticated geo phys equipment and aerial scanning. They work constantly for three weeks in shift and manage to excavate 100 square miles of desert. Again the result is the same. they find nothing. They concur it is however, 5 thousand years old.

 

The three teams meet for a conference and by this time the labourers have lost all their money to the bedoiun and need to get back to work.

Brendan the foreman approaches and says "I reallty t'ink you guys should listen to paddy ya know".

 

The Russain team leader looks confused.

"Vot is it you have to tell us my friend" says the Russain.

"Yeah come on buddy, I could do with some laughs" says the American

 

Paddy steps forward "Dis fellah was A Philistine, he lived five t'ousand years ago and he committed suicide"

 

The frustrated egtptian academic, begins to fold his spectacles , barely able to control the Irishmans insolence, and snaps the arm of his glasses.

"why"he states "do you insist on this ridiculous assertion"

 

"well bejesus I t'ought ys never feckin ask. Its because I found dis in his hand:"

 

 

 

Paddy unfolds the dried, flaking piece of parchment he has had in his pocket for several weeks. On it is faded but clear lettering.

 

 

It says:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goliath

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My final post on this topic.

 

A travelling salesman goes to stay on a farm and he sees a pig with a wooden leg. He asks the farmer why the pig has a wooden leg. The farmer replies that when his son got stuck under a tractor the pig dragged him free. Again he asks the farmer why the pig has a wooden leg. The farmer tells him that when the house was on fire the pig woke him up and he got out safely. Again he asks the farmer why the pig has a wooden leg. The farmer then tells him that when he badly cut his arm the pig dialled 999 and an ambulance came. The salesman finally exasperated asks "yes, but why the pig has got a wooden leg?" To which the farmer replies "If you've got an animal that good you don't eat him all at once!"

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Not so much a joke, more of an amusing question:

 

Do infants in infancy have as much fun as adults in adultery?

 

or what about:

 

If cats live in a cattery, and nuns live in a nunnery, where do bugs live?

 

try them on for size folks!!

 

Unclejoe

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A drunk sitting at the end of the bar in a crowded saloon stands up and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!!"

 

To which, the crowd raises their glasses in agreement.

 

A man at the other end of the bar stands up and shouts, "I take offence at that!!"

 

The quesion, "Why? Are you a lawyer?!", rises up from an unseen patron in the middle of the throng.

 

To which, the man replied, "No! I'm an ASSHOLE!!"

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