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How To Make A Woman Happy


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OK, guys, listen up - !


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be . . .


1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate


without forgetting to . . .


45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls


. . . and, at the same time, you must also . . .


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

54. give her fur on every memorable occasion (Edited addition by FrBrGr)


Finally, it is very important . . .


Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes



How to make a man happy:


1. Show up naked in fur (edited addition by FrBrGr)

2. Bring beer

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The TOS Guide to Perfect Marital Relationships: an Illustrated Discourse.



First Here are my rules to keep a woman happy:


1.Buy her as many furs as she wants and take her places she can wear them.


2.Buy her a Mugler dress http://www.fashionencyclopedia.com/images/sjcf_01_img0285.jpg


3.Buy her Blahniks; regularly. This is the true secret of keeping women happy and giving them multiple orgasms; and they are also useful in that way for us:



4.Buy her Dior and Gucci bags


Items like this make the female pupil dilate. They are expensive, but hopefully they will stick with this and be unaware of Hermes. Should the later discovery take place, tell them that as the Hermes electric blue alligator saddle is only $20 000 and the horse would look very fetching in it, and as that is only $1000 more than a bag, it would be prudent to use the money on that. While you are saving up for this, it will also get you off expensive boring holidays in hot countries.


5. NEVER moan about the pony or the cats and keep them in luxury too. The yearning for children is merely a pony substitute, and unlike the trappings of equestrianism, maternity will ruin your sex life.

Women need cats. they are a good fashion accessory:


goes well with the white fox coat

or if you are feeling brave they do have a fondness for these as pets:


But this is a good alternative and equally effective at deterring bailiffs:



of course you can always fo for the F2 who can be just as effective, and are sooooooo cute as kittens



Do not buy women dogs. They will come to believe it is more faithful than you; unlike the cat which isn't faithful to anyone.


6. Make sure she always looks the best dressed at the Hunt Ball. Needless to say, keep her away from the masters:


as this will lead them to profound unhappiness.


7. Give her a good slapping now and again; treat 'em mean keep 'em keen. But number 6 can ONLY come after one to five are satisfied

NEVER strike a woman on the face unless she starts talking about animal rights or socialism. If you feel you must, then have a grapefruit ready:


But never beat her face with anything other than a grapefruit or an erect phallus.

This is the correct procedure:


This makes women blissfully happy.

" I'm just a gal like any other gal . I want a home , a family , an occasional spanking . "

Kathy Ireland

If men spank their wives there is peace on earth .

( Old Russian Proverb )

" DINGO : Oh , wicked , bad , naughty, evil Zoot ! Oh, she is a naughty person , and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax , we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon . You must tie her down on a bed and spank her !


GIRLS : A spanking! A spanking !


DINGO : You must spank her well . And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then , spank me .


VARIOUS GIRLS : And spank me. And me . And me .


DINGO : Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking !


GIRLS : A spanking ! A spanking !


DINGO : And after the spanking , the oral sex .


GIRLS : Oral sex ! Oral sex ! " . "


Monty Python and the Holy Grail



8. Make her laugh. Guaranteed to work every time is the word "spank"


9. Get her terrified at least twice a week as this makes them realise you cna protect them; again bringing them happiness. I find this works well:

http://www.thefilmexperience.net/images/2004/posterdawn.jpg and it aslo reminds her that if the worse did come to the worse and there was some apocalypse, then the fur department in harrods would be at her disposal and easily fortified against zombies.


10. NEVER let her watch television programmes made after 1960 unsupervised. A lady far prefers Cookie from 77 Sunset Strip than Grant Mitchell.


There are a few notable exceptions to this: the High Chapparral makes women very happy as it reminds them that they do not want to be a nag like Victoria Canon. Manolito, the Apache and the pretty ponies also make them happy. http://thehighchaparralreunion.com/images/HC%20GRAPHIC.jpg

NEVER let them watch soaps like East Enders. When they say they like it because it is true to life that is the beginning of the end. Remind them that so is diaorreha and that you love her so much you don't want her to suffer either. Soaps like Dynasty howver are of course permissable because they are far more true to the life you want her to have.


11. Give them chocolate; lots of it. But NEVER give them cake, as this makes them swell to a size six and then they will be eternally unhappy.


12. Encourage them to smoke as it keeps their weight down too. A fat woman is an unhappy woman; never forget that. If they say "does my bum look fat in this?" , say "yes, here are some Marlboro lights... within half an hour it will have gone down, that is why supermodels all smoke".

The woman's brain can be quite prone to suggestion on matters such as this, so they will actually "see" their bottom shrink as they are smoking if they stand in front of the mirror in stockings and suspenders . When they put the dress back on it will look better. If you don't believe me try it: it works.


13. Do not try to impress a woman with a car. That is a phallacy (lol!). They know its a subsititute for a large penis so you should spend sunday mornings polishing your dick with them instead as this will impress them more. Women are only interested in cars if they haven't had a large penis.


14. Realise that to keep your woman sexually fulfilled you need one of these:


an outfit like this .....women in furs especailly like it;


and if she still doesn't reach orgasm then this is the final resort:



Also it is useful to have a friend in the Guards to borrow his uniform. Forget all other soldiers uniforms other than this; which apparently are a specific fetish of all oriental women:


A uniform has to have armour. Women like hard things.



15. Drugs. You will need to give her cocaine and yourself viagra unless you have a penis measuring 10 inches or more. But NEVER indulge in hippy drugs like "dope" as they do what they say on the lid. Make sure they are ALWAYS on the pill as otherwise the curse will be far greater in its effect. This leads the female to a week of misery and pain and delerium each month which will also make your life hell.


16. Sweep them off their feet regularly, ride a white charger, be a member of an exclusive Mayfair club; smoke romeo y juliettas, NEVER think casual is sexy: it is only so when in riding boots or a dinner shirt after the queens speech. Oh, and say "quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn" a lot.


17. ALWAYS buy the lady champagne; the best.


18. DON'T try to be their friend; that is what the cats are for. They will also sense that you are bing patronising, or you have become completely emasculated and then then seek someone else.


19. realise that so called "sports" have no interest for women. Thye are games imitating hunting and women aren't stupid; they like the real thing. All sports MUST involve horses to interest women (and real men).


20. NEVER look at a woman all soppy, or paw at her gently. It gives them the creeps. ALWAYS look like you are about to rip her bodice off and handle her roughly. If she isn't wearing one you have got it all wrong.


Do not think you can ever make a woman happy without strictly adhering to these guidelines.




Now what do I expect in a woman?


1. Highly educated is a pre requisite. They must be able to read the strange hieroglyphics on washing machines for a start; aswell as know ALL about fluffy kittens, and know how to make a bran mash and deal with colic in horses.

2. Someone to look after my pony (which you kid them into thinking is their's) so you can dispense with the need for expensive stable staff; and makes sure she rides and mucks out better than you too; and praise her for her skills.

3. Make sure they know how to make up; lipstcick should always have six layers using the same principles as oil painting: fat on lean. Powder between layers is essential, and only the final layer should be glossy. Eyeliner is LIQUID NOT pencil. Rouge should NEVER be applied to the apples of the cheeks else they look like Aunt Sally: it should always be deep red under the cheekbones and up to the temples in a crescent, and then highlighter applied like so;


Don't EVER let them read make up pages in magazines like Cosmo; they are done by harpies whose sole purpose in life is to make gentlemen miserable.

4. Looks good in fur and have no hesitation in wearing it especially in the bedroom

5. Has style on the outside and the inside and in between (nice dress, nice underwear, suspenders etc, and grace and wit sharp enough to slice human flesh)

6. Can smoke elegantly; and understand and appreciate herself its romance:

Click on FIRST pic



7. Has a 36 inch inside leg measurement.


8. Knows that gloves are NOT to keep your hands warm





9. Knows that stilletoes are NOT to make you look taller



10. Is not middle class.....they make a fool of you on the dance floor among other things; will waste your entire life on talking about curtains and avocado pears and recycling ; and completely fail to understand the meaning of the word "craic", and think thigh length boots are for hookers, and think you should only wear lipstick two shades darker than your inside lip. As was said by Hardfur, "take a scullery maid or a duchess for your wife". One can be trained and the other can train you



Middle class women on the other hand, are bizarre creatures; the product of trying to store information they are unable to process in the chocolate receptors of the brain; who foam at the mouth and are never happy as they are unable to mate with eligible men. Such women used to be looked after well in asylums; but sadly now they have found another place for them Here are some examples; be warned...stay away from them:


Here is a close up of one:



Just to show I am not showing Tory bias I also remind you of this problem in this specimen; whose brain is sadly gone too far and I believe only a full frontal lobotomy would help:



Of course the problem was easily dealt with years ago http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/bly/madhouse/31.gif but now the whole of female petit bourgeois have become plagued with lunacy and other similar psychiatric disorders.



Here is the map of the male and female brain showing the profound differnces phyisiologically; now imagine what happens to the female whose brain becomes overloaded.



11. They must realise that this is the greatest movie ever made and love to watch it at least every month:


By watching this they will soon be reeducated as to what a real man is:


and you will be reminded that despite there being no fur, women can still be sexy. Because it sends shivers down the spine and is set at the North pole, she will always want to watch it in her most sumptuous fox furs cuddled up because it is terrifying. You may want to pretend to be James Arness in the bedroom later which makes them run round screaming and giggling; guaranteeing good sex.


12. I expect them not to be able to cook. Do NOT be fooled into thinking that because they can cook and clean they can look after you. That is a common ploy of the glamour challenged female and the product of a mispent youth; where they learned to cook instead of learning the fine Arts of Cosmetics, Lingerie and pole dancing.



If by misfortune after all this she still manges to want children, then either lock them in the attic until they are 16 and feed them through the hatch,

only letting the bengal cat near it. Then you can sell the story of your feral child raised by wild cat to the papers for lots of money. OR get a nanny and then send it away to school. A son should be sent ONLY to Harrow where he will learn the ways of the noble cad and the boundah and the professonal gambler and become rich. If you have the misfortune to have a daughter, don't feed her much ; say ana is your friend, then make sure she goes to finishing school in Switzerland so she can learn to walk properly and become a supermodel; again making you lots of money. This is the only purpose of children.

Edited by Guest
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God, if I had known that all I had to do was all of those things I'd have gotten married long ago!!!!


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I agree in 90% of the female population. But you must realise that like chimpanzees there is some evidence of sentience in at least some females.

I am convinced this one may have some abilitiy:



I am pretty sure she would be capable of understanding The Thing from Another World; possibly even Plan 9 from Outer Space.


Just imagine if it could be done!

We would be able to watch sci fi free of soap opera once again; where the Enterpises sole purpose was to seek out and destroy Klingons and Romulans and not act like intergalactic pansies being in love and have twats like Whoopie Goldberg on board.

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Linda every Ihr 30mins I take a 20 minute break. This recharges my batteries and uses another part of my brain. So surfing the net is relaxing amusing and uses another part of my brain. After this 20 minutes and a coupla cigarettes I am completely refreshed to continue working. My work requires intense concentration. I am not on the net the whole time though logged in.


Are we agreed on the 1950s version being an excellent movie Lord? The remake wasn't as good, but it does have some fine elements to it; not least of which the Carpenter music and the desperate chase by the Norwegian helicopter of the husky and the American teams response. A bit of a comment on the dangers of AR sympathy lol?


JGalanos: Enterprise and Voyager were far far superior to the next generation, and the characters darker and having better motivation. Next gen was IMHO a soap in space ; utter tripe with the exception of The Borg.

Seven of Nine is not far off the perfect woman.

"Do you wish to copulate?" , said by her to Ensign Kim has to be the quote of any of the series. Perhaps with the exception of Kirk in one of the movies saying "What does God want with a Starship?" and "Resistance is futile; prepare to be assimilated" by the Borg.

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Next gen was IMHO a soap in space


Around here, we call it "The Love Boat"... Patrick Stewart playing the part of Captain Stubing. Levar Burton is "Isaac the Bartender"... Marina Siritis is the Cruise Director, etc. etc....

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It did have its moments; it just got a bit cringeably soapy on times.


Anyway, the important thing is is it possible for females to understand Star Trek?


That is a difficult question. I did meet a Romulan chick at a sci fi convention once, and she made all the right noises; and was gorgeous in thigh boots and awesome eyebrows and structure breasts. Yes she was talking about the Enterprise being a metaphor for the human psyche; how we need balance to face problems: Kirks passions, Spocks logic, MCoys sarcasm and realism; Scotty's dilligence, Uhuru's communication skills, Sulus's warrior skills and humour; Chekov's youthful idealism etc. BUT did she understand what she was saying, or just repeating it rather like some parrots are able to do?

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My Husband will need an I.V. if these NIGHTS keep Up!

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Sir you are a cad and a boundah!


If my world was still intact every lady would have at least mink or fox! And for the very special lady of course, sable lynx etc!


Instead they are liberated from the sink to work and still have to come home to the sink. Not a good deal really was it?

They have ill fitting polyester suits instead of velvet and silk and tweed and fur; jeans instead of seamed stockings, trainers instead of metal supported high heels; beany hats instead of Dior veiled ones. And saggy tits cos they want to sell them cheap bras intsead of beautifully supporting ones.

When they burned their bras they burned their bridges as far as the mass marketeer was concerned. Now they are in his palm, and he is sellling them a fraudulent illusion.


Indeed Madison; Liberty is a plush fur pelzdecke and a husband who is dashing, strong, chivalrous and only the best is good enough for his good lady.......and yes Galanos...a product of another age!


"Woman! Know your limits!"

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