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Blonde Joke time...


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FIRST DEGREE

 

A married couple were sleeping when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

 

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

 

The husband said, "Who was that?"

 

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

 

 

SECOND DEGREE

 

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

 

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

 

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

 

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

 

 

THIRD DEGREE

 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

 

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

 

Well, the blonde is really angry.

 

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

 

She takes the gun and puts it to HER head.

 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

 

FOURTH DEGREE

 

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

 

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

 

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

 

 

 

FIFTH DEGREE

 

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

 

"Is it mine?"

 

 

 

SIXTH DEGREE

 

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a Florida freshman, sat in her US government class.

 

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what ROE vs. WADE was about.

 

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

 

 

 

SEVENTH DEGREE

 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

 

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

 

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

 

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

Linda

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The thing is those aren't real blond jokes. I heard half of them, and they didn't even involve blonds. Heck, the one with the "Shut up! You're next!" line involved a guy, not a blonde.

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That's a good joke Lordthenightknight, though I have to say, not quite as good as Linda's

 

A bit lacking on the punchline, but not bad

 

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I haven't even told how I heard it. So how would you know if it's funnier or not?

 

But the point is that unlike most of these jokes don't have to be blond jokes. Not that they are demeaning; just that they don't have to be.

 

And I believe the way I heard it went:

 

A guy comes home, and catches his wife in bed with another guy. The guy is enraged, and pulls his gun out of his drawer. His wife is screaming when she sees it. He then points the gun to his head, and she's still screaming. So he shouts, "Shut up, bitch! You're next!"

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The thing that gets me when people are upset by ethnic jokes or "blonde" jokes or any kind of humor like that is that they don't realize that the point of the joke is NOT to poke fun at a particular person or group but to poke fun at that SITUATION.

 

Most Polish people aren't stupid. Copernicus was Polish! He figured out how the solar system works and he figured out some other pretty knarly mathematical theories. You can't be stupid and figure out all those things!

 

When you tell a Polock joke you're not really talking about a Polish person. You're talking about "Some Stereotypical Stupid Person"... A person who probably couldn't exist in the real world. "Polock" is just shorthand for "Stupid Guy". The joke wouldn't be funny if you had to stop to say, "Stereotypical Stupid Guy".

 

My grandfather used to have a great comeback when people told Polock jokes. He'd sit there and laugh right along with everybody else. (Because the jokes really WERE mostly funny.) Then, when the laughter died down, he'd buttonhole the guy who told the joke and ask:

 

"Can you speak Polish?"

 

To which, the answer was always, "No."

 

His comeback was, "So! How does it feel to be dumber than a Polock?!"

 

The whole place usually errupted in laughter!

 

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Lord, ...let me share a secret with you. If you analyze a joke, you miss the purpose of a joke.

 

Lighten up and just smile once in awhile. It is OK to do that, you know?

 

Want to know something? ...I almost wrote a disclaimer to you personally when I posted it. So, when you responded I did get a laugh! 8)

 

Linda

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Lord, ...let me share a secret with you. If you analyze a joke, you miss the purpose of a joke.

 

Lighten up and just smile once in awhile. It is OK to do that, you know?

 

Want to know something? ...I almost wrote a disclaimer to you personally when I posted it. So, when you responded I did get a laugh! 8)

 

Linda

 

I know damn well the purpose: it's thinking a joke about stupid people isn't funny enough if it isn't a blond joke. That isn't insulting blonds. That's insulting jokes themselves.

 

I am a fan of insult humor, even some that are actually meant to be blond jokes*, but slapping a group a joke was never meant for is defeating the actual purpose of an insult joke, which is insulting the trait, rather than the group. I've seen a lot of good insult jokes flounder from getting it the other way around.

 

*Such as, "A blond and a brunette fall off a building. Who hits first? The Brunette. The blond had to stop for directions.

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Goody.

 

I want to open a few books to compliment my betting on Saturdays Grand National.

 

So here is the book on this thread.

 

"The LordtheKnightNights Girlfriend's Hair Colour Handicap Chase":

 

They bet:

 

1/5 on peroxide or natural Blonde

7/4 strawberry blonde

7/2 mousey

9/2 redhead

7/1 brunette

9/1 raven hair

20/1 bald

100/1 nappy head

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And just to show I am quite happy to laugh at myself:

 

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white as snow

and of everywhere that Mary went...

 

 

....the lamb needed Police protection from amorous admirers in Merthyr Tydfil

 

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Mary had a little lamb.

 

I'm sure Lord can find something contentious over that

 

 

 

OFF

 

No, implying giving birth to sheep is fair game.

 

And you apparently don't get my point, no matter how much I stated it.

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She is blonde isn't she?

 

Anyway here is another blonde joke showing you they ain't always stupid:

 

An escaped convict breaks into a home where a couple are sleeping and ties up the husband and wife at gunpoint. Then he jumps on the stunning blonde wife, and the husband can do nothing as he watches him kiss her ear then run to the bathroom.

 

Husband tells wife:

"Satisfy him or he will kill us. I saw the way he kissed you. Just be strong. I love you"

 

Wife replies:

 

"He didn't kiss me. He whispered in my ear. He's gay and looking for vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. Let's see who is f***** strong now."

 

.........................................................................................................

 

A black guy in Alabama goes to the doctors and says

"doctor Doctor...I can't stop jogging...its a real problem" He stands in front of the doctor jogging on the spot.

 

The doctor puts two white lines of powder on the desk and says;

"here boy snort those"

 

He does as he is asked and immediately stops jogging.

 

"Hell doc is that cocaine?"

 

Nope; its Persil...guaranteed to stop coloureds running"

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oh the guy who got done for racist jokes?

 

I am all for freedom of speech in comedy. Censorship is fascism.

 

However having said that there is a whole world of difference between taking the mickey out of the inappropriate language used on a persil pack

and by white bigot good ole boys, who are the real target of the joke....and representing a deity with grenades and nukes in his belt which is far beyond racism.

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Yes, ToS, but you have to remember that in this day and age of political-freaking-correctness, the average "American" (including the "talking heads" and certain executives at CBS and NBC) is more apt to kowtow to cultural Marxists and scumbags like "the Rev" Al Sharpton and "the Rev" Jesse Jackson than to speak up for freedom. The firing of Don Imus is not only a travesty in terms of a significant threat to the freedom of speech, it is an insult to every African American in the United States, and an affront to every stride that has been made in our country in support of human rights for the past half-century. So Imus got fired. Who will miss him? Not that many, that's for sure, but that isn't the point. Who's next? Rush Limbaugh? Rosie O'Donnell? Michael Savage? The people of "America" better wise up - and do it fast - before it's too late.

 

Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest, and no, by God - I didn't duck.

 

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Yes, ToS, but you have to remember that in this day and age of political-freaking-correctness, the average "American" (including the "talking heads" and certain executives at CBS and NBC) is more apt to kowtow to cultural Marxists and scumbags like "the Rev" Al Sharpton and "the Rev" Jesse Jackson than to speak up for freedom. The firing of Don Imus is not only a travesty in terms of a significant threat to the freedom of speech, it is an insult to every African American in the United States, and an affront to every stride that has been made in our country in support of human rights for the past half-century. So Imus got fired. Who will miss him? Not that many, that's for sure, but that isn't the point. Who's next? Rush Limbaugh? Rosie O'Donnell? Michael Savage? The people of "America" better wise up - and do it fast - before it's too late.

 

Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest, and no, by God - I didn't duck.

 

 

I would have Rush fired, but for lies and defamation, more than saying anything offensive.

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Why don't we get this thread back on topic?

 

Amy, a blonde city girl, married a Texas rancher.

 

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

 

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one, right here."

 

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

 

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

 

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

 

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "Duhhh - To hang your pants on . . . !"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Perhaps it was the same blonde who was seen at a Las Vegas casino last year, putting one silver dollar after another into a Coke machine, collecting Coke after Coke after Coke. One passer-by, after watching her for a few minutes, approached her and asked, "What are you doing . . . ? ? ! !"

 

With an annoyed look on her face she turned long enough to reply, "Duhhh - Winning!!"

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You can have a decent bet on that if you want Ravens: the raven hair is on the drift as there is a springer in the market in the shape of the supplemented runner which I have installed as short as 2/1 second fav: "no girlfriend". Blonde has shortened but only slightly to 1/4 .

 

Great joke Furburger btw and I concur with your previous comments about freedom of speech...especially in comedy...wholeheatedly too.

 

As for racism in joks...unless real hate is involvd there is no racism. Bnate and mickey taking does not involve hate. Far worse is disguised racism often by th vry peopl who tak issue with "racist" jokes and literature.

 

It is political correctness gone bonkers. To find a seventeen year old girl doing something where she is "coming of age" is considered inappropriate, and yet you have to watch what you call a gay. My girlfriend calls her two gay friends faggots and gayboys homos homo nonerectus, puff and a whole host more. Presumably; though they are terms of endearment which they understand and laugh about (they call her a tart or a hetty etc) but no hate is involved; she would be had up in California. No distinction is made by the PC fascists YET REAL prejudice goes unpunished. A nation that apologises for the slave trade yet treats Mexicans like inferiors, or whose Police crack black skulls in LA is not one which looks good in the eyes of the world. The UK under Blair is as bad of course. Wrong to call someone a paki but the state stops then wearing clothing which "seperates" them as culturally distinct.

 

One of our greatest poets, Kipling, is treated by New Labour and the PC police as a racist, but in India and pakistan he is regarded as a literary hero.

 

Is this for instance racist?:

 

We've fought with many men acrost the seas,

..........And some of 'em was brave an' some was not:

The Paythan an' the Zulu an' Burmese;

..........But the Fuzzy was the finest o' the lot.

We never got a ha'porth's change of 'im:

..........'E squatted in the scrub and 'ocked our 'orses,

'E cut our sentries up at Suakim,

..........An' 'e played the cat an' banjo with our forces.

...............So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'ome in the Soudan;

...............Yore a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man;

...............We gives you your certificate, an' if you want it signed,

...............We'll come an' 'ave a romp with you whenever you're inclined.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ha'porth -- half-pennyworth

We took our chanst among the Kyber 'ills,

..........The Boers knocked us silly at a mile,

The Burman guv us Irriwaddy chills,

..........An' a Zulu impi dished us up in style:

But all we ever got from such as they

..........Was pop to what the Fuzzy made us swaller;

We 'eld our bloomin' own, the papers say,

..........But man for man the Fuzzy knocked us 'oller.

...............Then 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, an' the missis and the kid:

...............Our orders was to break you, an' of course we went an' did.

...............We sloshed you with Martinis, an' it wasn't 'ardly fair;

...............But for all the odds agin' you, Fuzzy-Wuz, you broke the square.

 

Irriwaddy -- the great river of Burma

impi -- the Zulu word for

an army or regiment.

 

 

 

 

Martini -- the Martini-Henry , Britain's breechloading service rifle

'E 'asn't got no papers of 'is own,

..........'E 'asn't got no medals nor rewards,

So we must certify the skill 'e's shown

..........In usin' of 'is long two-'anded swords:

When 'e's 'oppin' in an' out among the bush

..........With 'is coffin-'eaded shield an' shovel-spear,

An 'appy day with Fuzzy on the rush

..........Will last an 'ealthy Tommy for a year.

...............So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, an' your friends which are no more,

...............If we 'adn't lost some messmates we would 'elp you to deplore.

...............But give an' take's the gospel, an' we'll call the bargain fair,

...............For if you 'ave lost more than us, you crumpled up the square!

'E rushes at the smoke when we let drive,

..........An', before we know, 'e's 'ackin' at our 'ead;

'E's all 'ot sand an' ginger when alive,

..........An' 'e's generally shammin' when 'e's dead.

'E's a daisy, 'e's a ducky, 'e's a lamb!

..........'E's a injia-rubber idiot on a spree,

'E's the on'y thing that doesn't give a damn

..........For a Regiment o' British Infantree!

...............So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'ome in the Soudan;

...............You're a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man;

...............An' 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your 'ayrick 'ead of 'air -

...............You big black boundin' beggar - for you broke a British square!

 

 

Branded as racist by the forces of PC in the UK; and BANNED form schools, it actually pays homage and respect to the gallant foe in the language of the British w/c infantryman.

 

Anyway I wanted to quote that to bring us back to the topic. Nappy headed hos? Nahh...."ayrick 'eads" they will always be to me lol! But I promise you this: I have no racism in me: and Mr Blair and his ilk can use all the PC terms they wish but its them who are institutionally and imprially racist; not Kipling and not I.

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