Guest Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whisky!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again sighed with relief, and said, "Never mind, I found one." Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worker 11811 Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Three guys died and went to heaven: A Jewish guy, an Irish guy and a gay guy. The stood before Saint Peter and begged for another chance to live. He took pitty on them and said, "If you promise to give up the one thing you love the most, I'll send you back to Earth." Then he warned, "If you ever go back on your promise you'll have to spend 1,000 years in Purgatory before I'll let you into Heaven again!" The three men agreed and, "Poof!" They all found themselves back on Earth, standing on a street corner. The strolled together until they came upon an Irish pub. The Irish guy made a detour and headed straight for the door. As soon as his hand touched the door handle... "Poof!" He disappeared. Horrified, the two other guys looked at each other for a moment then continued on down the street. A few blocks later, the Jewish guy looked down and saw a penny on the ground at his feet. He bent over to pick it up and... "Poof!" The gay guy disappeared! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReFur Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Thanks for the jokes! Nice was to start my morning. Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unclejoe420 Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 The following isn't a joke, but I thought it was pretty funny at the time. Anyway, I live with my folks and a couple of brothers, so from time to time we have to leave each other notes so we all know what's what. Now, a few months before Xmas, my Dad left the following cryptic note in the kitchen, as my 2 brothers were out: "Please make sure everyone is in, as everyone is out" I had to sit and think about that for a few minutes before i started laughing.. Sorry if you don't find this funny, but I thought it was a hoot at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frugalfurguy Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Hey, Uncle Joe! There was these two skunks that lived with their mom in a den (fur den? maybe). One was called In and the other was called Out. Whenever Out was in, In was out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. One day, however, Mrs. Skunk wanted to talk to In, but only Out was in. "Out," she says, "would you go out and get In for me?" "Sure ma," says Out. "I've been wanting some air myself. Glad to." In less time than it takes to say striped skunk three times, In shuffles in with Out just behind, beaming. "Out," says Mrs. Skunk, "How did you find In so quickly?" "Easy," says Out. "In stinked." Don't know if this one somehow relates to "Everyone is out so please be sure everyone is in," but your story did remind me of this skunker. Now if you could explain the punch of what your dad wrote to someone who just didn't get it? frugalfurguy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReFur Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously: 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, Night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravens8 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Great Linda - Thanks, (and to all the others) good irish joke tryxie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worker 11811 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Three out of four people in The United States make up 75% of the population of the country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordTheNightKnight Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Were those actually the "Deep Thoughts" written by Jack Handy, ReFur? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravens8 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Workers quote Three out of four people in The United States make up 75% of the population of the country. Who are the four, Worker? and which three make up the 75%?, and isnt the fourth one a bit of a minority? poor person whoever he/she is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 It's the same fourth that said .... "or so they say" Who the hell ARE THEY!! OFF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worker 11811 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Who are the four, Worker? and which three make up the 75%?, and isnt the fourth one a bit of a minority? poor person whoever he/she is. I don't know but I heard that a full 20% of them are "Fifth Dentists". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReFur Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Were those actually the "Deep Thoughts" written by Jack Handy, ReFur? I don't know if they were, Lord. Just another email from a friend. I just did a google. Here is the link to "Deep Thoughts" http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Fox Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 They say that one person in four is strange. If you are in a room with 3 other people look around. Do the others look ok? If they do, then it means that you are....... Well you get the picture. W P.S. I always did wonder who "They" really were! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worker 11811 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Oh! And do remember! Whenever you sit down to play poker with three strangers, look around at the other guys sitting around the table. If you can't look at one of them and tell that he's the sucker... YOU ARE THE SUCKER! This is may sound funny but it is actually true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordTheNightKnight Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 They say that one person in four is strange. If you are in a room with 3 other people look around. Do the others look ok? If they do, then it means that you are....... Well you get the picture. W P.S. I always did wonder who "They" really were! Those who killed Kenny. Duh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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