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A joke from my husband LOL!!!


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Mr. Dillon hates to go shopping with his wife, but Mrs. Dillon insists he accompany her regularly to her favorite department store where, without fail, he gets very bored because he prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Dillon loves to browse.



One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store's management:



Dear Mrs. Dillon,


Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below.


Things Mr. Dillon has done while his spouse was shopping at our store:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House Wares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares ... and watched what happened.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asked if he help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.


11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"


And last, but not least ..


15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Thank you

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This joke was so funny to me because, "shopping" was one of our "adjustments" when we were first married.


Bob has always been a very patient, wonderful person. It took about six months into our marriage; but, when we would go shopping, he just would flip out!! I could not understand what was wrong with him. Why was he in such a rush?! This would happen when there absolutely was no need to hurry! What was I missing?! 8)


Then we talked it out. The problem was resolved when we recognized that, yes we both shop; but, Bob "Guy" shops and I "Museum" shop. Or, put another way, ...Men "hunt," ...Women "gather."



Museum shopping:


As a woman, I am an oddity. (I know, you guys already knew this!) I do NOT like to shop, especially for clothes. I HATE it, in fact!


But, when I go to Home Depot, Sam's Club or Wal-Mart, I do like to walk around and see what new products are out and to see what I might stumble across that is on clearance. Since I seldom do this, I do not go when we are in a hurry. I also do not have a list.



Guy shopping:


Now, when Bob shops, he will have a few specific items to buy. His objective was to get in-and-out of the store as quickly as possible. Almost to say he was rushed. It was like a race. He would only win if he accomplished the acquisition of his list and in the least amount of time. If it met his basic requirements and was at least reasonably priced, that was his only goal. Outta there!!





Bob now makes it clear when he is going "Guy shopping." and warns me ahead of time.


Then other times he will go with me and understands we are "museum shopping!!" Before Bob agrees to go with me he just wants an idea how long I intend to be gone and where I intend to go. (I usually do have that predetermined!)


He now understands it is OK to walk around and look and comment and maybe even walk out empty handed. We are just "looking" ..and, that is OK, too!!


Now that we understand our different motives, it works great!


Now often Bob most of our grocery shopping and runs errands alone. 8)



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I feel so strange - I do both. Grocery shopping is a 'list thing' get in, get out, move on to other 'chores'. Museum shopping can take place in electronics stores, record shops (do they even still exist???), liquor stores (go figure ) sporting goods stores... yes, even the Home Depot (although that really depends on the task I've got at home and whether I've just let myself slide into procrastination mode! )



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The old story... what's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? The drunk doesn't have to go to meetings!




...disclaimer - alcoholism is a serious condition which demands appropriate treatment.


...here's to appropriate treatment!

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Two days before Christmas. . .


Reminds me of a Farside cartoon.


First frame: Zoom to out house with voice bubble coming out the vent "Help! Help! Helllllpppp!"


Next frame: Saint Bernard on a crag in foreground. Outhouse in background. Saint Bernard has roll of toilet paper as pendant on its collar.


Appropos with drift of comments towards alcohol.



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