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"I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids!"


FrBrGr
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

 

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're

the father of one of my kids."

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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A man walks into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier with a beautiful woman on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

 

So the owner of the shop goes to the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

 

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

 

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

 

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

 

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, he returns. The storeowner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

 

"I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

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An animal rights activist was walking down the street. Suddenly, she saw a woman walk by in a full-length fur coat.

 

She ran up to her and said, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?"

 

The woman said right back to her, "Do you know how many animals I had to f*** for this coat?"

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Strange but fun facts

 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced

enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(WOW!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to

its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping

the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

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On the subject of interesting (and somewhat bizarre factoids), I would like to reference Tryxie's sig, and mention something I noticed over Xmas on a jar of peanuts:

 

"Warning: May contain nuts"

 

Think about this one - what do they mean "may contain nuts"; surely it should be "DOES contain nuts"...

 

Oh, and btw, the dead outnumber the living 60-to-1...

Get yer noggins round that!!

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Top ten thoughts from your dog:

 

  1. Blaming your farts on me:
    Not funny...not funny at all!
     
  2. Yelling at me for barking:
    I'M A FREAKIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
     
  3. Taking me for a walk,then not letting me check stuff out:
    Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
     
  4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose:
    Stop it!
     
  5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons:
    Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
     
  6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw:
    You fooled a dog! Whoooo! Hoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
     
  7. You take me to the vet for "The Big Snip", then act surprised when I freak out every time we go back!?
     
  8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests:
    Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
     
  9. Dog sweaters:
    Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
     
  10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself:
    Look, we both
    know the truth. You're just jealous!

 

Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ?

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Just thought I should lay this bit of trivia on you:

 

A few years ago, legendary British hauliers Eddie Stobart christened one of the trucks after a male character for the first time. His name: Optimus Prime!!

 

stobart.jpg

 

Enjoy!!

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Tryxie...

 

I used to raise swine. (Swine = pigs.) I used to take care of boars. (Boar = male pig.)

 

A boar has a face only a mother could love. They look and smell, disgusting, and fight like - well, they fight like damned pigs! In fact, when I looked at boars I suddenly knew why they called them swine!

 

I've also read that that long thing would not feel very good either!

 

You are much better with someone else. Believe me, this is a short love affair that will not last.

 

You are much better off finding the boy of your dreams. Three suggestions. FrBrGr, AKcoyote, or White Fox.

 

Or wait a minute. BrGr is married. And of course AK.... (let's not go there).

 

W

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A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree.

This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes.

 

First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass.

 

This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla.

 

At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"

 

The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"

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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: One. And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^*&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS!!!

***********************************************

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

 

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

 

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

 

God said, "An arm and a leg."

 

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

 

The rest is history...

 

 

 

 

That's all from me folks

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