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In A Word


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1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right

and you need to shut up.

 

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five

Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes

to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and

you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in

fine.

 

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and

wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about

nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can

make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before

deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say

you're welcome.

 

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email protected]!KYOU!

 

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning

this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is

now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's

wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

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8) OK, ...here is the flip side.

 

Why is when men do something they KNOW is "not quite right" they give you this flat look and say, "Whaaat?"

 

Here is a perfect example of what I mean. This from an Australian Beer commercial for Haan Beer, called "How men ruin romance." I think this is a re-post (sorry):

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1406/how_men_screw_up_romance/

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What men want women to know.....

 

Enough with the hints. Hints don't work with us. Just tell us what you want. Use brief, direct statements.

 

If you use the "nagging" tone of voice, we're just going to tune you out. We've been hearing that voice our entire lives from our mothers, sisters, and girlfriends, and we've been conditioned to not listen to it.

 

Quit asking us questions that we can't answer without getting into trouble. Example: "Do you think that woman is attractive?", "Do these jeans make me look fat?", etc.

 

Don't ask us which outfit we like better. They're all perfectly fine. We really don't have any preference or opinion about it.

 

The worst time to try to discuss a problem with us is right when we get home from work. You'll get much better results if you leave us alone for twenty minutes, and then approach us afterward.

 

If you ask us "What are you thinking about?" and we say "Nothing," we're not avoiding the question. We're really not thinking about anything in particular at that moment. Or possibly we're thinking about another woman. Either way, just leave us alone.

 

If you tell us about a problem, we're going to propose a solution. Don't expect us to always agree with you or automatically give you sympathy.

 

Just because we don't feel like talking at the moment, doesn't mean we're angry or hurt or anything like that. We just don't feel like talking right now, that's all. We're very literal a lot of the time, and there's no need to read into things.

 

Don't expect us to behave the way we did on our first date, after we've known you for years.

 

Our balls itch sometimes! It's a guy thing, you'll never understand!

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Okay...but I will. Men and women are different and that is a good thing. These differences are reinforced by socialisation, but are part of our natural biochemistry, contrary to the equality throries of the sixties and seventies. And the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, there are just different weeds.

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I agree lynxette

 

Men and women are different, its just that women are more different than men.

 

I'm lighting the blue touch paper now - now I'm running

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Glad someone finally explained all that to me.

 

30 years ago it might have saved at least one of my marriages

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OFF

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How about this?

 

Woman: "You never take me to the movies"

 

Man: "Do you want to go to the movies?"

 

W: "Not today."

 

M: "Okay. When?"

 

W: "I don't konw. Maybe tomorrow."

 

M: "All right! Tomorrow! "

 

 

M: "Do you want to go to the movies tonight?"

 

W: "No. The house is dirty."

 

M: "Well, when?"

 

W: "I have to clean the house first."

 

M: "Okay. You tell me when you want to go and I'll take you to the movies."

 

 

Woman: "You never take me to the movies!"

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Tell me what part of "Ask me and I'll take you to the movies." is unclear.

 

Remember! I asked her TWO times if she wanted to go to the movies but she said, "No." In the third case I said, "Tell me when."

 

I don't know any way to make it more clear than that.

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She'd say

 

" I CANT! I haven't got a THING to wear"

 

Which I THINK translates us.

 

" You fool, I'd rather have the money to buy a pair of shoes, like NOW"

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After 35 years of marriage,,yes,,to the same woman,,i just go sit in the truck and wait for her to come out..*LOL* only then do we fight about what to go see!!*L*(if she wears her mink i just go see anything she wants and keep my hands under her coat...)*L*

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For the ladies.

 

Dear Tech Support,

> >Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

> >distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the

> >flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

> >5.0.

> >In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

> >Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable

> >programs such as NFL 5.0 , NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no

> >longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried

> >running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

> >What can I do?

> >Signed, Desperate

> >

> >--------------------------------------------------------

> >Dear Desperate:

> >First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband

> >1.0 is an Operating System.

> >Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to

> >download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that

> >application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the

> >applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

> >But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to

> >default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

> >Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

> >

> >Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the

> >background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

> >Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are

> >unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

> >In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory

> >and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying

> >additional software to improve memory and performance . We recommend Food

> >3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

> >Good Luck,

> >Tech Support

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Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?

Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"

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Yes - ! I finally found it!!

 

Here is the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" - on purpose!

 

 

1. Men are not mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions - and neither do we.

 

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really - !

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping . . .

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